Some Days

Sometimes I don't even know where to begin in trying to describe how lost I feel without my angels. It's that time of year where I'm reminded of how old my daughter would have been, and it just thrusts the knife deeper on the recent loss of my son. I feel like such a failure as a Mother, as a Woman. My body couldn't hold them, protect them, deliver them into this world. Sometimes, I just don't know how to cope with that.

Alexabeth Catharine Marie would have been born in September of 2008. She stopped growing at 11 weeks, and her heart stopped soon after. At what would have been the 13 week marker, a miscarriage was confirmed. I felt like my world has stopped.

I would be into my second trimester right now with my son, Clayton Roman, had I not miscarried at 6 weeks. Of course, it was too early to determine gender, but I felt my baby was a boy.

Both of my angels were discovered after they were already gone. I didn't get to feel pregnant before I felt the blow of not being pregnant. Maybe that's a good thing. Some days, I'm just not sure. Yes, the situations both of them would have been born into wouldn't have been ideal. It would have been a hard road for all parties concerned, but it would have been worth it. I would have loved them enough for both parents. They never would have noticed anyone was missing from their life.

Can't Cry Hard Enough-Bellefire

I'm gonna live my life
Like every day's the last
Without a simple goodbye
It all goes by so fast

And now that you've gone
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

Gonna open my eyes
And see for the first time
I let go of you like
A child letting go of his kite

There it goes, up in the sky
There it goes, beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

Gonna look back in vain
And see you standing there
When all that remains
Is an empty chair

And now that you've gone
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

There it goes, up in the sky
There it goes, beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

And now that you've gone
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

1st Christmas

I wrote this the first Christmas after I lost my baby girl.

Dear Angel of Mine...
Christmas is almost here
I've got all the lights strung up
The mantle is laden with stockings
The trees gleam with ornaments
And here I sit, curled up on the couch
This would've been your first Christmas
You should be here in my arms
Cooing at the lights changing colors
Reaching for the glass ornaments
Pulling down the trees
Getting into presents
You should be fussing in church
Messing up your new holiday clothes
With milk and baby food
You should be here
You should be here with me
Falling asleep to my heartbeat
By the heat of this fire
Yes, the Father must've had
A better plan for you, my angel
Yet, the pain is still here
My heart, it still hurts...
Even as the carolers sing
And the angel's rejoice
My arms are empty this Christmas

Who You'd Be Today

A tear slides down my face
I feel the void of your loss
So strong today
The emptiness in my arms
Is like a hundred-pound weight
On my battle-scarred heart
I'm still in recovery mode
As the rest of humanity goes on with life
The Earth is still turning,
The Moon and Sun still trade places
Yet, my world is at a standstill
I've gotten better at dealing, slowly
But when it hits me like this, it never seems easier
Harder, maybe
Fate dealt us a cruel hand, Dear one
Your book was closed before
It was even fully open
All the pages were torn away
So here I am, dealing as best I can
Nothing, I know, will bring you back
I'll never know what color your eyes would've been
Or what your laughter sounded like
Would you have had my big ears? God forbid
Would you have been a doctor who
Discovered cancer's cure?
The world will never know
I'll never know
Jeg savne dig, min medet lidt engel

Precious Angel

Outside, the sky is
Preparing for another day
It's looking like the
Sun will stay bright,
Like it's gonna be a
Beautiful day...
But today, I wish it would rain...
I'm missing my
Precious Angel so much today...
I wish the rain would come,
I wish the Heaven's would cry with me...
Than I wouldn't be the
Only one grieving...
This world keeps turning,
And she's not here...
Precious Angel

You're Grieving Too

I wrote this a few years back, when out of nowhere while sweeping the restaurant floor one night, it occurred to me that even though my daughter's father wanted nothing to do with me, he was still grieving her too. It was just in a different way, with different people. That realization did not make it any easier on me, but it did give me a new insight.

For so long,
I've felt alone in my pain
No one to grieve with me
No one to understand fully
The extent of these wounds I bare
But today, albeit seperately,
I realize you're grieving, too.
You understand every tear
Every scream to the Heavens, "WHY?!"
I may never see our angel do alot of things
But neither will you
I know this crippling pain I've borne
So I can imagine yours, Elskede
You'll never see her walk
Nor feel her hug you & kiss your cheek
I can just see you with the first boy
She'd bring to meet you
And it makes me laugh for a moment
Than I sober to the thought of
She'll never say "Daddy"
You'll never show her
"The Little Mermaid" in the harbor
Or the vast beauty of your homeland
Yes, today, I realized you're grieving with me

&& life goes on...

It's like I never stop learning new things. It's hard to grasp that no matter what happens, time keeps moving on. Time isn't stopping because my life isn't going right, it isn't stopping because I'm hurting. It just keeps going. The world keeps turning, the seasons keep changing.
I laid there on that hospital exam table, my feet up in stirrups, listening to the god-awful drone of that machine as my unborn baby was taken from my body. My daughter had ceased to exist two weeks earlier, but the finality of the procedure hit me head-on. At that moment, I didn't think I could ever hurt more. Of course, I had thought the same thing just 2 months earlier, when her father unanimously decided that our relationship was over. At that time, I was naive enough to think that was as bad as it got. Sorely mistaken. Yet, while my daughter was dying, other babies were coming into the world. Time was moving on.
When I met my soulmate, the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, I didn't open up for a long time. He got parts of me, but bit by bit, I opened up completely and let him into my world. Into my heart. That just doesn't happen easily. When we decided that we would part, I was numb to it for a long time. It was like living in a bubble, where the outside world was only barely there. The true magnitude of the pain didn't hit me for some time. But when it did, it was losing Alexabeth all over again. The intensity felt almost the same.
I found out in the midst of our ending things that I miscarried at about 7 weeks. Again, my body failed me. I had thought the pain couldn't get any worse, but damned if I wasn't wrong once again. To sit there, seeing the first ultrasound I'd ever gotten to see, and our baby wasn't moving. A heartbeat couldn't be found. My chest felt like it would implode. Yet, life kept going. Regardless of how bad I was hurting, everyone else's lives kept going.
Tonight, I got the news I dearly didn't want to get. I'm not pregnant. I've had all the signs, the symptoms, and my hopes were high. I just felt confident that this was it, that I was finally going to have my happy ending, just not the traditional one with a Knight riding in on some white horse. But of course, that's not going to happen. That would be way too fair for all my heartache. And life goes on. Always.

"Baby mine, don't you cry

Baby mine, dry your eyes

Rest your head close to my heart

Never to part, baby of mine"

~Alison Krauss, "Baby Mine"

"Fly, fly precious one

Your endless journey has begun

Take your gentle happiness

Far too beautiful for this

Cross over to the other shore

There is peace forevermore

But hold this mem'ry bittersweet

Until we meet..."

~Celine Dion, "Fly"

I wish I could draw, because I could sketch out one with a little girl holding a baby. I've scowered the internet to find something similar, but this one is the one I keep coming back to. Two angel siblings, brought together in death, tied together by a bond that is unshakeable. Most think I'm absolutely out of my mind for wondering about things like that, about whether my son is being cared for by his sister. I guess it makes me feel better, makes me feel closer to them both.

I realized today that March 31st will be four years since I miscarried my daughter. It's been a long four years. It still hurts like I just left the hospital after the D&C. I know she's in a better place, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I would have had a 3-year-old running around today, making me pictures to put on the fridge, and chasing my cats around the house. Poor Heath wouldn't stand a chance. That gives me a smile. Alexa...I hope she knows how loved she is. How loved they both are, by a Mother who would have given anything to have had them stay.

Jeg elsker dig, mig elskede smukke.

These Are My Footprints

These are my footprints
So perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
Never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
For now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
For other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
In each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
If you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints
In the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
And call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
Are found on Mommy & Daddy's hearts.
'Cause eventhough I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part.