Some Days

Sometimes I don't even know where to begin in trying to describe how lost I feel without my angels. It's that time of year where I'm reminded of how old my daughter would have been, and it just thrusts the knife deeper on the recent loss of my son. I feel like such a failure as a Mother, as a Woman. My body couldn't hold them, protect them, deliver them into this world. Sometimes, I just don't know how to cope with that.

Alexabeth Catharine Marie would have been born in September of 2008. She stopped growing at 11 weeks, and her heart stopped soon after. At what would have been the 13 week marker, a miscarriage was confirmed. I felt like my world has stopped.

I would be into my second trimester right now with my son, Clayton Roman, had I not miscarried at 6 weeks. Of course, it was too early to determine gender, but I felt my baby was a boy.

Both of my angels were discovered after they were already gone. I didn't get to feel pregnant before I felt the blow of not being pregnant. Maybe that's a good thing. Some days, I'm just not sure. Yes, the situations both of them would have been born into wouldn't have been ideal. It would have been a hard road for all parties concerned, but it would have been worth it. I would have loved them enough for both parents. They never would have noticed anyone was missing from their life.