&& life goes on...

It's like I never stop learning new things. It's hard to grasp that no matter what happens, time keeps moving on. Time isn't stopping because my life isn't going right, it isn't stopping because I'm hurting. It just keeps going. The world keeps turning, the seasons keep changing.
I laid there on that hospital exam table, my feet up in stirrups, listening to the god-awful drone of that machine as my unborn baby was taken from my body. My daughter had ceased to exist two weeks earlier, but the finality of the procedure hit me head-on. At that moment, I didn't think I could ever hurt more. Of course, I had thought the same thing just 2 months earlier, when her father unanimously decided that our relationship was over. At that time, I was naive enough to think that was as bad as it got. Sorely mistaken. Yet, while my daughter was dying, other babies were coming into the world. Time was moving on.
When I met my soulmate, the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, I didn't open up for a long time. He got parts of me, but bit by bit, I opened up completely and let him into my world. Into my heart. That just doesn't happen easily. When we decided that we would part, I was numb to it for a long time. It was like living in a bubble, where the outside world was only barely there. The true magnitude of the pain didn't hit me for some time. But when it did, it was losing Alexabeth all over again. The intensity felt almost the same.
I found out in the midst of our ending things that I miscarried at about 7 weeks. Again, my body failed me. I had thought the pain couldn't get any worse, but damned if I wasn't wrong once again. To sit there, seeing the first ultrasound I'd ever gotten to see, and our baby wasn't moving. A heartbeat couldn't be found. My chest felt like it would implode. Yet, life kept going. Regardless of how bad I was hurting, everyone else's lives kept going.
Tonight, I got the news I dearly didn't want to get. I'm not pregnant. I've had all the signs, the symptoms, and my hopes were high. I just felt confident that this was it, that I was finally going to have my happy ending, just not the traditional one with a Knight riding in on some white horse. But of course, that's not going to happen. That would be way too fair for all my heartache. And life goes on. Always.