Precious Angel

Outside, the sky is
Preparing for another day
It's looking like the
Sun will stay bright,
Like it's gonna be a
Beautiful day...
But today, I wish it would rain...
I'm missing my
Precious Angel so much today...
I wish the rain would come,
I wish the Heaven's would cry with me...
Than I wouldn't be the
Only one grieving...
This world keeps turning,
And she's not here...
Precious Angel

You're Grieving Too

I wrote this a few years back, when out of nowhere while sweeping the restaurant floor one night, it occurred to me that even though my daughter's father wanted nothing to do with me, he was still grieving her too. It was just in a different way, with different people. That realization did not make it any easier on me, but it did give me a new insight.

For so long,
I've felt alone in my pain
No one to grieve with me
No one to understand fully
The extent of these wounds I bare
But today, albeit seperately,
I realize you're grieving, too.
You understand every tear
Every scream to the Heavens, "WHY?!"
I may never see our angel do alot of things
But neither will you
I know this crippling pain I've borne
So I can imagine yours, Elskede
You'll never see her walk
Nor feel her hug you & kiss your cheek
I can just see you with the first boy
She'd bring to meet you
And it makes me laugh for a moment
Than I sober to the thought of
She'll never say "Daddy"
You'll never show her
"The Little Mermaid" in the harbor
Or the vast beauty of your homeland
Yes, today, I realized you're grieving with me

&& life goes on...

It's like I never stop learning new things. It's hard to grasp that no matter what happens, time keeps moving on. Time isn't stopping because my life isn't going right, it isn't stopping because I'm hurting. It just keeps going. The world keeps turning, the seasons keep changing.
I laid there on that hospital exam table, my feet up in stirrups, listening to the god-awful drone of that machine as my unborn baby was taken from my body. My daughter had ceased to exist two weeks earlier, but the finality of the procedure hit me head-on. At that moment, I didn't think I could ever hurt more. Of course, I had thought the same thing just 2 months earlier, when her father unanimously decided that our relationship was over. At that time, I was naive enough to think that was as bad as it got. Sorely mistaken. Yet, while my daughter was dying, other babies were coming into the world. Time was moving on.
When I met my soulmate, the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, I didn't open up for a long time. He got parts of me, but bit by bit, I opened up completely and let him into my world. Into my heart. That just doesn't happen easily. When we decided that we would part, I was numb to it for a long time. It was like living in a bubble, where the outside world was only barely there. The true magnitude of the pain didn't hit me for some time. But when it did, it was losing Alexabeth all over again. The intensity felt almost the same.
I found out in the midst of our ending things that I miscarried at about 7 weeks. Again, my body failed me. I had thought the pain couldn't get any worse, but damned if I wasn't wrong once again. To sit there, seeing the first ultrasound I'd ever gotten to see, and our baby wasn't moving. A heartbeat couldn't be found. My chest felt like it would implode. Yet, life kept going. Regardless of how bad I was hurting, everyone else's lives kept going.
Tonight, I got the news I dearly didn't want to get. I'm not pregnant. I've had all the signs, the symptoms, and my hopes were high. I just felt confident that this was it, that I was finally going to have my happy ending, just not the traditional one with a Knight riding in on some white horse. But of course, that's not going to happen. That would be way too fair for all my heartache. And life goes on. Always.

"Baby mine, don't you cry

Baby mine, dry your eyes

Rest your head close to my heart

Never to part, baby of mine"

~Alison Krauss, "Baby Mine"

"Fly, fly precious one

Your endless journey has begun

Take your gentle happiness

Far too beautiful for this

Cross over to the other shore

There is peace forevermore

But hold this mem'ry bittersweet

Until we meet..."

~Celine Dion, "Fly"

I wish I could draw, because I could sketch out one with a little girl holding a baby. I've scowered the internet to find something similar, but this one is the one I keep coming back to. Two angel siblings, brought together in death, tied together by a bond that is unshakeable. Most think I'm absolutely out of my mind for wondering about things like that, about whether my son is being cared for by his sister. I guess it makes me feel better, makes me feel closer to them both.

I realized today that March 31st will be four years since I miscarried my daughter. It's been a long four years. It still hurts like I just left the hospital after the D&C. I know she's in a better place, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I would have had a 3-year-old running around today, making me pictures to put on the fridge, and chasing my cats around the house. Poor Heath wouldn't stand a chance. That gives me a smile. Alexa...I hope she knows how loved she is. How loved they both are, by a Mother who would have given anything to have had them stay.

Jeg elsker dig, mig elskede smukke.

These Are My Footprints

These are my footprints
So perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
Never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
For now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
For other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
In each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
If you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints
In the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
And call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
Are found on Mommy & Daddy's hearts.
'Cause eventhough I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part.