My cup runneth over <3

I've always said I wouldn't know what to do with a little girl. Well, now I guess I'm just going to have to fly by the seat of my pants! Savannah will be here in February. Her due date is 10 days after Adam's first birthday. I wasn't supposed to be able to have Adam, so to have lasted this long in this pregnancy & have the light at the end of the tunnel, it's just surreal. My cup runneth over :)

Growing so fast <3

6 months is just around the corner & not far from a year. Time just needs to slow down! My baby won't be a baby much longer.

Don't Blink <3

Too fast, my little boy will outgrow me. I pride myself on not spoiling him, but there are times I feel so bad for not holding him more, for not picking him up faster. I know it's silly. I know he knows he's loved. But way too fast, he'll be too big to let me do those things anymore.

For this child, I have prayed...

Well it's official :)

I am 9 weeks pregnant tomorrow :) After so much trying & failing, the doctors say this could be it. There are no complications so far. I am so excited, past the point of being scared, & just can't thank my stars enough for this chance. I've been busting to tell the world, and since I can't totally do that yet, this'll have to do :)

Sunshine from rain :-)

It has been over a year since my 3rd child went to live in Heaven with her brother and sister. There have definitely been days where I get all teary-eyed, and there isn't a moment that I don't wish they were all here. But the beautiful thing is that I'm clear-headed and sober this time around. After I lost Amara in May of 2012, I went off the deep end as I usually do after a miscarriage, and it wasn't pretty. About two months later, the ironic thing being that I really hadn't had that much to drink, I was arrested for a DWI. Those six hours in jail opened my eyes more then anything else ever had. Since then, I've been sober 435 days as of today, October 1st. Getting sober made me really look at the situations I would have brought these precious children into. I used to only think of the father they'd lack, but I know now that even if I'd stopped drinking while I was pregnant, once stress set in, I'd have picked it right back up. Knowing this doesn't make losing my babies easier, but it does put it into perspective for me.

Some Days

Sometimes I don't even know where to begin in trying to describe how lost I feel without my angels. It's that time of year where I'm reminded of how old my daughter would have been, and it just thrusts the knife deeper on the recent loss of my son. I feel like such a failure as a Mother, as a Woman. My body couldn't hold them, protect them, deliver them into this world. Sometimes, I just don't know how to cope with that.

Alexabeth Catharine Marie would have been born in September of 2008. She stopped growing at 11 weeks, and her heart stopped soon after. At what would have been the 13 week marker, a miscarriage was confirmed. I felt like my world has stopped.

I would be into my second trimester right now with my son, Clayton Roman, had I not miscarried at 6 weeks. Of course, it was too early to determine gender, but I felt my baby was a boy.

Both of my angels were discovered after they were already gone. I didn't get to feel pregnant before I felt the blow of not being pregnant. Maybe that's a good thing. Some days, I'm just not sure. Yes, the situations both of them would have been born into wouldn't have been ideal. It would have been a hard road for all parties concerned, but it would have been worth it. I would have loved them enough for both parents. They never would have noticed anyone was missing from their life.