For this child, I have prayed...

Well it's official :)

I am 9 weeks pregnant tomorrow :) After so much trying & failing, the doctors say this could be it. There are no complications so far. I am so excited, past the point of being scared, & just can't thank my stars enough for this chance. I've been busting to tell the world, and since I can't totally do that yet, this'll have to do :)

Sunshine from rain :-)

It has been over a year since my 3rd child went to live in Heaven with her brother and sister. There have definitely been days where I get all teary-eyed, and there isn't a moment that I don't wish they were all here. But the beautiful thing is that I'm clear-headed and sober this time around. After I lost Amara in May of 2012, I went off the deep end as I usually do after a miscarriage, and it wasn't pretty. About two months later, the ironic thing being that I really hadn't had that much to drink, I was arrested for a DWI. Those six hours in jail opened my eyes more then anything else ever had. Since then, I've been sober 435 days as of today, October 1st. Getting sober made me really look at the situations I would have brought these precious children into. I used to only think of the father they'd lack, but I know now that even if I'd stopped drinking while I was pregnant, once stress set in, I'd have picked it right back up. Knowing this doesn't make losing my babies easier, but it does put it into perspective for me.

Some Days

Sometimes I don't even know where to begin in trying to describe how lost I feel without my angels. It's that time of year where I'm reminded of how old my daughter would have been, and it just thrusts the knife deeper on the recent loss of my son. I feel like such a failure as a Mother, as a Woman. My body couldn't hold them, protect them, deliver them into this world. Sometimes, I just don't know how to cope with that.

Alexabeth Catharine Marie would have been born in September of 2008. She stopped growing at 11 weeks, and her heart stopped soon after. At what would have been the 13 week marker, a miscarriage was confirmed. I felt like my world has stopped.

I would be into my second trimester right now with my son, Clayton Roman, had I not miscarried at 6 weeks. Of course, it was too early to determine gender, but I felt my baby was a boy.

Both of my angels were discovered after they were already gone. I didn't get to feel pregnant before I felt the blow of not being pregnant. Maybe that's a good thing. Some days, I'm just not sure. Yes, the situations both of them would have been born into wouldn't have been ideal. It would have been a hard road for all parties concerned, but it would have been worth it. I would have loved them enough for both parents. They never would have noticed anyone was missing from their life.

Can't Cry Hard Enough-Bellefire

I'm gonna live my life
Like every day's the last
Without a simple goodbye
It all goes by so fast

And now that you've gone
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

Gonna open my eyes
And see for the first time
I let go of you like
A child letting go of his kite

There it goes, up in the sky
There it goes, beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

Gonna look back in vain
And see you standing there
When all that remains
Is an empty chair

And now that you've gone
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

There it goes, up in the sky
There it goes, beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

And now that you've gone
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

1st Christmas

I wrote this the first Christmas after I lost my baby girl.

Dear Angel of Mine...
Christmas is almost here
I've got all the lights strung up
The mantle is laden with stockings
The trees gleam with ornaments
And here I sit, curled up on the couch
This would've been your first Christmas
You should be here in my arms
Cooing at the lights changing colors
Reaching for the glass ornaments
Pulling down the trees
Getting into presents
You should be fussing in church
Messing up your new holiday clothes
With milk and baby food
You should be here
You should be here with me
Falling asleep to my heartbeat
By the heat of this fire
Yes, the Father must've had
A better plan for you, my angel
Yet, the pain is still here
My heart, it still hurts...
Even as the carolers sing
And the angel's rejoice
My arms are empty this Christmas

Who You'd Be Today

A tear slides down my face
I feel the void of your loss
So strong today
The emptiness in my arms
Is like a hundred-pound weight
On my battle-scarred heart
I'm still in recovery mode
As the rest of humanity goes on with life
The Earth is still turning,
The Moon and Sun still trade places
Yet, my world is at a standstill
I've gotten better at dealing, slowly
But when it hits me like this, it never seems easier
Harder, maybe
Fate dealt us a cruel hand, Dear one
Your book was closed before
It was even fully open
All the pages were torn away
So here I am, dealing as best I can
Nothing, I know, will bring you back
I'll never know what color your eyes would've been
Or what your laughter sounded like
Would you have had my big ears? God forbid
Would you have been a doctor who
Discovered cancer's cure?
The world will never know
I'll never know
Jeg savne dig, min medet lidt engel